Brain Surgery, Faith, and Fear: When My Mom’s Faith Challenged Me | Season 2 | Episode 5

“It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith. My faith just wasn’t where my mom’s faith was.”

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🧠 Brain Surgery, Faith, and Fear: When My Mom’s Faith Challenged Me

There are some battles that happen on the outside, and then there are battles that happen deep within you. The kind nobody can see. The kind you do not always know how to explain. The kind that make you question not only what you are facing, but how strong you really are.

For me, this part of my brain tumor journey was not just about the tumor. It was not just about the surgery date getting closer. It was not just about the physical reality of knowing I would eventually have to go into an operating room and have my head cut open.

This part of the journey was about faith and fear.

More specifically, it was about what happened when my mom’s faith challenged my fear.

At the time, I did not see it that way. I did not understand it that way. All I knew was that I was scared, overwhelmed, and trying to process something I was not ready to face. I was carrying a lot internally, even though on the outside, I was still trying to act like I had everything under control.

But my mom saw things differently.

Her faith was strong. Her belief in God was strong. Her confidence in what God could do was at a level that I honestly was not operating in at that moment.

And because of that, we bumped heads.

Not because she was wrong.

Not because I did not believe in God.

But because her faith was touching a place in me where fear was still loud.

🧠 When Someone Else Believes Bigger Than You Can

There was one thing my mom said during that season that really bothered me at the time. She would say something along the lines of, “You never know, you might go down there for surgery and they can’t even find the tumor because God removed it.”

Now, to someone listening from the outside, that may sound encouraging. It may sound like faith. It may sound like hope. And honestly, that is exactly what it was coming from her.

But for me, in that moment, it was hard to receive.

I was already trying to mentally prepare myself for brain surgery. I was already trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this was going to happen. I was already scared of the unknown, scared of the outcome, and scared of what life might look like after surgery.

So when she said something like that, part of me felt uncomfortable.

Because I thought, what if I believe that? What if I really let myself hope that they go in and somehow the tumor is gone? What if I build myself up to believe I will not have surgery, and then I get there and still have to go through it?

That was the part that scared me.

It was not that I did not believe God could do it.

It was that I was afraid of being devastated if it did not happen that way.

And that is a real place many people do not talk about.

Sometimes people say “just have faith” as if fear automatically disappears. But when you are the one facing the diagnosis, the surgery, the risk, and the uncertainty, faith can feel more complicated than that. You can believe in God and still feel afraid. You can trust God and still have moments where your mind is racing. You can know God is able and still struggle with what might happen if the answer does not look the way you hoped it would.

That was where I was.

I had faith.

But my fear was loud.

🙏🏽 It Was Not That I Had No Faith

Looking back, I can explain it better now than I could then.

It was not that I did not have faith.

My faith just was not where my mom’s faith was.

The best way I can describe it is like going to the gym with someone who has been lifting weights for eight years when you have only been training for three months. It does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are not trying. It does not mean you do not belong in the gym.

It just means you are not at the same level yet.

That was how I felt spiritually.

My mom had been through things in life. We had been through things together. She had seen God move in situations where things looked impossible. She had developed a spiritual strength that came from experience, from pain, from endurance, and from years of trusting God through difficult seasons.

So when she looked at my situation, she saw it through the lens of what she knew God could do.

But when I looked at my situation, I was still looking at it through the lens of what I was afraid could happen.

That does not mean I had no faith.

It means my faith was still being developed.

And sometimes, the only way faith grows is when fear exposes where you still need to trust God more.

🧠 The Part I Could Not See At the Time

At the time, I did not understand that my mom was not trying to frustrate me. She was not trying to ignore the seriousness of what I was facing. She was not trying to make me feel bad for being scared.

She was trying to keep me from drowning in fear.

But because I was so deep in my own emotions, I could not fully see that.

I was trying to survive the reality in front of me. She was trying to speak life over something that looked heavy. I was preparing myself for surgery. She was believing God for a miracle. I was trying not to fall apart. She was trying to keep faith in the room.

That is where the tension came from.

Two people can love each other deeply and still see the same situation differently.

That is something I had to learn.

My mom was looking at me as her son. I was looking at myself as the patient. She was carrying the weight of a mother watching her child prepare for brain surgery. I was carrying the weight of being the one who had to actually go through it.

Both perspectives were real.

Both were heavy.

Both mattered.

And that is why this episode is important to me. A lot of people talk about the person who receives the diagnosis, and rightfully so. But sometimes we forget about the people who love that person. The parents. The spouses. The family members. The people who are praying in private, worrying in silence, and trying to stay strong while watching someone they love walk into the unknown.

I did not fully see what my mom was carrying at the time.

But I see it now.

🎭 Wearing the Mask While Fear Was Still There

During that season, I had become very good at wearing a mask.

On the outside, I could joke. I could laugh. I could make light of the situation. I could act like I had accepted what was happening. I could present a version of myself that looked strong, calm, and prepared.

But inside, I was torn up.

I was scared. I was distracted. I was trying to convince myself that I was okay because dealing with the truth was uncomfortable. I did not want to sit in the fear. I did not want to think about what could happen. I did not want to imagine what recovery could look like if things did not go the way I hoped.

So the mask became a way to survive.

But the danger of wearing a mask for too long is that you can start believing the performance.

You can get so used to acting okay that you stop giving yourself permission to admit that you are not.

That is where I was.

And my mom’s faith challenged that mask.

Her words made me uncomfortable because they forced me to confront what I was really feeling. They pushed against the fear I was trying to hide. They reminded me that I could not just keep pretending my way through this.

Looking back, that was probably exactly what I needed.

At the time, it felt like pressure.

Now, I see it as purpose.

🧠 When Faith Makes You Uncomfortable

One of the messages I want people to take from this episode is that faith can be uncomfortable when fear has been leading the conversation.

Faith sounds good when we talk about it in church. It sounds good in inspirational quotes. It sounds good when we are encouraging someone else.

But when faith asks you to trust God in the middle of your own uncertainty, it feels different.

When faith asks you to believe while you are scared, it feels different.

When faith asks you to loosen your grip on the outcome, it feels different.

That is where the real work begins.

My mom’s faith bothered me because it was bigger than mine at the time. It stretched me. It challenged me. It made me look at the gap between what I said I believed and what I was actually able to stand on in that moment.

That is not easy.

But growth is not always comfortable.

Sometimes the people who love us challenge us in ways we do not appreciate until later. Sometimes they say things that rub us the wrong way because they are touching a place in us that still needs healing. Sometimes their faith irritates us because it exposes our fear.

That does not mean they are wrong.

It means there may be something in us that God is trying to strengthen.

🧠 What I Would Tell Myself Now

If I could go back and talk to myself during that season, I would tell myself to breathe.

I would tell myself that faith is bigger than fear.

I would tell myself that God had carried me through too much to abandon me now.

I would remind myself that every challenge I had already survived was proof that I had not been walking alone. I would tell myself to give God another chance to be great. Give Him another chance to do what only He can do.

Because He had not failed me yet.

I would also tell myself that this challenge, as hard as it was, was not just happening to me. It was shaping me.

I did not want to go through it. I would not have chosen it. But that does not mean God could not use it.

This journey was building something in me. Mental maturity. Spiritual maturity. Perspective. Compassion. Strength. Purpose.

Sometimes we want God to remove the mountain, but sometimes He uses the mountain to build something in us that we could not have built any other way.

That is hard to accept while you are going through it.

But it becomes clearer when you look back.

❤️ A Lesson From My Grandfather

As with every episode, I dedicate this one to my grandfather, James Smith Jr.

The lesson I connect to this episode is simple, but powerful.

You do not have to fake being strong to become strong.

That is something I understand more now than I did then.

My grandfather was a strong man. But I also believe that strength did not come from pretending. It came from living. It came from facing hard things. It came from dealing with emotions, responsibilities, pressure, and life experiences that shaped him over time.

Real strength is not ignoring fear.

Real strength is being honest enough to admit the fear is there, while still choosing to move forward.

During this season of my life, I thought I had to wear the mask. I thought I had to act strong so people would not worry. I thought I had to make jokes and keep everything light because that was easier than admitting how heavy it really was.

But looking back, I realize something.

There is strength in honesty.

There is strength in saying, “I am scared.”

There is strength in admitting, “I believe God, but I am struggling.”

There is strength in being human.

And that is one of the biggest lessons this journey taught me.

🙏 Why This Episode Matters

This episode matters because there are people listening who are fighting the same battle in different ways.

Maybe it is a brain tumor. Maybe it is another diagnosis. Maybe it is surgery. Maybe it is grief. Maybe it is uncertainty about the future. Maybe it is something you have not told many people about yet.

Whatever it is, you may be trying to balance faith and fear right now.

You may be trying to believe while still feeling afraid.

You may have someone in your life who is encouraging you, praying for you, and speaking faith, but part of you is struggling to receive it because the reality in front of you feels too heavy.

If that is you, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Your fear does not mean you have no faith.

Your struggle does not mean you are weak.

Your questions do not mean God has left you.

Sometimes faith is not loud. Sometimes faith is simply still being here. Still breathing. Still praying. Still showing up. Still trying. Still giving God room to move even when you do not understand what He is doing.

That is faith too.

☕Support The Mission Behind This Story☕

If this episode touched you or reminded you of your own strength during difficult seasons, you can help support the mission of this podcast. Your support helps me continue to share stories of faith, resilience, and real life. You can visit BuyMeACoffee.com/TeflonJohn to contribute. Every donation helps expand the message and reach more people who need encouragement. Thank you for walking with me through this journey. One love, be blessed.

🤔 What Comes Next

Next episode, the story continues in a powerful way.

My mom joins me to share her side of this journey.

For the first time, you will hear what she saw, what she felt, and how she carried her own faith while watching her son prepare for brain surgery.