🎧Episode 4 - The Dual Life, Smiling in Public, Searching in Private, and Wrestling the Unknown
Subtitle: Finding peace in the middle of fear, faith, and unanswered questions
Publish Date: November 4, 2025
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After hearing the words “watch and wait” from my doctor at UVA, I thought life would eventually go back to normal. But what no one tells you is that normal never returns the same way. You adjust, you smile, you go to work, you laugh with friends, and you tell everyone you are fine. But inside, there is a part of you that is still trying to understand what just happened.
This episode is about that season. The time when you act strong in public while privately carrying fear and questions that seem to have no end. The moment you realize you are living two lives: one the world can see, and one that only you know about.
The Public Face
In public, I was the same person people had always known. I still went to work, made jokes, recorded content, and encouraged others. People would say, “You look great” or “You are handling this so well,” and I would smile and say thank you. Inside, I was still processing what it meant to have a tumor in my brain, even if it was slow growing.
Every morning, I would look in the mirror, straighten my shirt, and tell myself to keep going. I believed that being strong meant not letting anyone see me struggle. But that kind of strength can become lonely. When you hide your pain, you start to believe you have to face it all by yourself.
The Private Burden
When the world went quiet, my fears got louder. Late at night, I would find myself scrolling through brain tumor forums, reading the stories of other survivors. Some were encouraging, but others filled me with anxiety. I wanted to know everything: what symptoms to expect, what could happen next, what the future might hold.
The more I searched, the more I felt trapped in a cycle of fear. I was searching for peace in places that only gave me more questions. I was trying to control the unknown through information, and the harder I tried, the less peace I found.
That is when I realized the answers I was looking for could not be found online. They had to come through faith, quiet reflection, and learning to trust the process of healing, even when it did not make sense.
Faith and Fear in the Same Room
Faith and fear often share the same space. I prayed every day and believed that God would heal me. But I was also human. Some nights, fear felt stronger than faith. I wanted to believe everything would be fine, but part of me kept asking, “What if it comes back?”
My mother was a rock during that time. She prayed for me, spoke scripture over me, and reminded me that fear and faith cannot live in the same house. She taught me that trusting God was not about pretending fear does not exist. It was about believing that fear does not get the final word.
Slowly, I began rebuilding my faith. I started journaling, praying, and thinking about my grandfather’s words that strength is quiet, steady, and patient. Strength is not about never being afraid. It is about facing fear with faith.
Wisdom from My Grandfather
When my mind started to race, I could almost hear my grandfather’s voice. He would say, “You do not have to have it all figured out. You just have to keep showing up.”
Those words became my anchor. On the days I did not feel strong, I reminded myself that showing up was enough. Showing up for life, for family, and for faith. Even when I did not have all the answers. His words reminded me that courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice that says, “I will try again tomorrow.”
He taught me that strength is not pretending everything is fine. It is holding your ground when life feels uncertain and finding gratitude even in fear.
The Real Meaning of Healing
Healing is more than your body getting better. It is your mind finding peace and your spirit learning to rest again. That was the lesson I took from this season of my life. Even when everything feels uncertain, peace is still possible.
You can look perfectly fine on the outside while fighting to find peace on the inside, and that does not make you weak. It makes you real. True strength is not about hiding your pain. It is about learning to carry it with faith until it becomes lighter.
If you have ever smiled through pain or carried something heavy in silence, you will connect with this episode. It is a reminder that healing is not a straight line. It takes patience, courage, and faith.
Listen to Episode 3
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